Poem To Paddy
I remember today, like it was yesterday
October 28th around 3am the rain outside hitting my window pain
my mother calls and with a shaking voice I hear her say
the words that still send me cold even now till this day.
She said I have to come and say good bye to you
and selfishly I instantly felt why is this something that 'I' have to do?
how do I look the man that made me what I am and wish him well?
knowing that his dying and that I'm lying and this time tomorrow i'll need him still.
How can I fix this and get him to stay because I'm scared as hell
and if he won't stay for me maybe he'll stay for my sisters and my mum because they need him aswell.
But I got dressed, and got in that car
I drove slow unlike the beat of my racing heart
in my head replaying all things I want to say to you
but the only words that would come to me is 'I Love You'
As London slept'd I made my way
I wanted lights to be red but they all turned green they refused to help me procrastinate
put off, delay...it's not that I didn't want to see you
I didnt want to have to say goodbye is what I'm trying to say.
I drove from Old Kent Road to Clapham hospice
and as I approached I said to myself 'come on Linxx you got this'
I left the car and went through the doors
made my way to the room which was yours
I waited outside and took a breath
I opened the door and walked in, but I was too late you were dead
You didn't wait to say goodbye to me
it's not your fault I can't imagine the pain you were in.
They gave me the 'Dad' chain you used to wear around your neck
I wear it still to show respect
I don't think i'll ever take it off
I wear it to show you that you still are loved.
and I don't know how this whole thing works
all I know is that you're not here, and on this day still it hurts
I hope you're proud of everything I've done
I mean Lia's in uni and the rest of us are getting on
There's so many things to you that I want to say
I think of you I promise like everyday
like when someone does me wrong and I feel to get them back
I think of you and I know you wouldn't approve of that
or the choices that I make if you were here to help me pick a path to choose
cos it seems no matter which route I take I seem to loose
See its frustrating because I never got the chance to tell you this
but to this little boy growing up under you I got to see what a true man is.
and for that I will be eternally grateful
I wasn't yours but you took care of me when you didn't have to
Good bye dad, I love you and miss you.
-Linxx (2016) Dedicated to the memory of my step father Paddy (Patrick Deans) & Aunty Lorraine